And then she found her way, not because she knew where she was going, but because she slowly allowed herself to fall in love with the person she was. And that was enough.
“She slowly allowed herself to fall in love with the person she was.
And that was enough.”
@tozandothersaltywords
The journey included getting lost, it showed her twists and turns she hadn’t anticipated. Her horse blinds of the one track life she had anticipated were ripped off.
“But then she realised she was her own compass.”
@tozandothersaltywords
She felt lost, unplanned and as if she lacked direction. But then she realised she was her own compass. Where was she going? She had no idea. Was she ready to embrace it with all of her?
I am no expert or therapist on trauma, but if I have learned anything from my own trauma, it is this…
It’s funny that we talk about trauma as if it is temporary. Because in reality, it’s forever. It lives with us whether we have addressed it and overcome it, or buried it deep in the depths of our subconscious.
We even talk about our traumatic experiences from our past as if they no longer hurt us or bother us. But if we are honest, we know that that is simply a coping mechanism we have developed to reduce the pain and fear. Because as we all know, out of nowhere it can hit you. As if you’ve flown over the front of your handlebars, smack down, chest first, on the cold hard floor and all the air in your lungs has been vacuumed out.
“Because as we all know, out of nowhere it can hit you. As if you’ve flown over the front of your handlebars, smack down, chest first, on the cold hard floor and all the air in your lungs has been vacuumed out.”
@tozandothersaltywords
As fast as a bullet out of a sniper’s gun, an event or a person’s action, or inaction, can take you out and put you back at square one with absolutely no warning. It can take you straight back to a place you thought you’d escaped and that feeling is completely and utterly debilitating. You wonder how it is happening to you as you followed the self help book, discussed that exact issue in therapy, hell you did multiple guided meditations and wrote enough pages of your journal on it to publish a damn book, but one uncontemplated act takes all the wind out of your sails.
So, rather seeing trauma as something that is temporary, or something that can be ‘overcome’, maybe we should try more to acknowledge it (do not confuse acknowledgment with acceptance here). Acknowledge our trauma. Feel it and sit with it. Grapple with the uncomfortable silence you feel as it crawls under your skin. It is, after all, a part of your lived experience, your story and what makes you who you are.
“Acknowledge our trauma. Feel it and sit with it. Grapple with the uncomfortable silence you feel as it crawls under your skin.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Now, unless you can untap all of you and who you are; the good, bad and ugly (trauma falling in the latter two of these) then you can never truly love all of you, because we all have all three and there is no escaping that. So try it. Try risking the possibility of loving your trauma.
“Try risking the possibility of loving your trauma.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Close your eyes, find your trauma (focus on one if there are multiple), ignite it, face it, watch it, acknowledge it and talk to it. Open yourself up to it fully and tell it everything you wish to say/scream/shout at it. Let your self pace around, let the tears fall, let yourself make noise at it, let yourself be silent with it, let every different thing you feel come out and do not hold back.
Are you done?
Once you are done, there is no more to say, to do, so imagine it as a box of memories and that there is a long line of empty shelves in front of you. Pick up the box and put it on the shelf, wave to it as you exhale knowing that although it won’t leave, you have nothing more to give it as you’ve expended all the energy you will ever need to give it. And although it will silently live inside of you, it is no longer volatile and is merely a reminder of all you are.
“find your trauma […] Open yourself up to it fully […] Let yourself pace around, let the tears fall, let yourself make noise at it, let yourself be silent with it, let every different thing you feel come out and do not hold back.”
@tozandothersaltywords
For each trauma you hold inside of you and face, you can add them to the infinite shelves. In doing so, find comfort in knowing that the incredible person you are has overcome so much more than is on the surface. In doing so you can love each part of you and all the moments you’ve experienced: good, bad and ugly.
It didn’t matter so much anymore, if I told him what I thought, really thought. He was no longer a part of me I was willing to water. I did not think of him unless it was for a practical purpose, or to learn a new lesson about myself. It felt like I was slowly freeing myself from the prison of love I had trapped myself in (for only I had chosen to let myself be stuck in there). As I left that space and walked back towards myself, I gave all of that love back to me. For the first time, in a very long time. I felt safe again.
The change into something new, someone new. Every moment re-navigating and learning from scratch once again. Trying to figure out if it is incredible or you’re blinded once more. Finding traits so much better than before, accepting kindness you’ve never experienced.
“re-navigating and learning from scratch once again.”
@tozandothersaltywords
But you hesitate. You’re scared of letting go with someone new. You compare, contrast, question and over analyse every tiny detail. Have you let go? Have you landed into a space of enjoying the journey?
“But you hesitate. You’re scared of letting go with someone new. You compare, contrast, question and over analyse every tiny detail.”
@tozandothersaltywords
You tell yourself over and over it’s not a destination. Why so wound up? It’s only been a few months. That doesn’t help, last time it was over half a decade and they left.
There it is again, the compare. We all do it. After all, it is our only reference point, everything that ever broke us, follows us, keeps us on our toes.
“There it is again, the compare. We all do it. After all, it is our only reference point, everything that ever broke us”
@tozandothersaltywords
You sit in your head overthinking, overdreaming. Then they do something, it is so small you barely acknowledge it consciously. Somehow you’ve let them in, you’ve let them in and you’re still scared And still learning.
You recount endless discussions trying to make sure you don’t break again. And in that moment you realise you can’t, You can’t compare. Your emotions must be free to be able to even contemplate new change, New things, New people.
“You can’t compare. Your emotions must be free to be able to even contemplate new change”
@tozandothersaltywords
So go feel it, Leave the comparisons, the memories of heartbreak and hard lessons far from the new. Stop using them as an excuse. Stop letting them mute your happiness, For what’s in front of you has never harmed you nor given you reason to hesitate. Go love freely, be honest with yourself, remember you’ve never been in this position before and unless they give you a reason to, Stop the compare.
“Stop using them as an excuse. Stop letting them mute your happiness, For what’s in front of you has never harmed you nor given you reason to hesitate.”
Thanks to Danielle Wills for inspiring this entire trilogy, sometimes people have no idea how much their words affect, inspire and heal others and I hope mine can give at least one person as much help as Danielle’s gave to me.
And once you’ve landed in that love for yourself, know this. They will feel it. They will want to be part of it. And they will try everything in their power to prove to you that they should bask in your new found happiness with you.
“And they will try everything in their power to prove to you that they should bask in your new found happiness with you.”
@tozandothersaltywords
By then though, you’ve already gone through the rollercoaster, Got off and Walked onto the next ride. Don’t get me wrong, when they show up, it’ll hurt. You’ll wonder why they couldn’t have said all of these things, Been all of these things, loved you like that, When you were together. But you smile to yourself knowing that when you walked away, you knew that was probably going to have to be forever.
“By then though, you’ve already gone through the rollercoaster, got off and walked onto the next ride.”
@tozandothersaltywords
You’ll think about how far you have come. Yes, tears will fall, as your memory triggers to every iota of pain you had to overcome and yes it’ll feel shit, the flood gates will open, you will howl on your floor half screaming in anger at them and the other at you for ever letting someone treat you like that.
“Yes, tears will fall, as your memory triggers to every iota of pain you had to overcome”
@tozandothersaltywords
The empowering part will be that through all those tears you do not want them back, but are ready to finally say the last goodbye. You will sit up and realise they are the final tears. The final hurt, The last time the salt water will cascade down your cheeks because of them. And as you let the final drops fall, you feel lighter. You inhale and feel the breath enter your lungs fully, as if for the first time.
You’re now fully ready, for what’s next.
“You will sit up and realise they are the final tears. The final hurt, The last time the salt water will cascade down your cheeks because of them.”
Toz And Other Salty Words 