“Excuse me
John Agard
standing on one leg
I’m half-caste”
This one is very personal. I would love your thoughts and happy to discuss all of the chaos that comes with finding ones identity. – Toz 💛
The first time I heard those words (by Agard) they rang through my ears as if the words could see me, the full me, for the first time. I was mid teens at senior school. I looked around the classroom and saw them just wash over the sea of (what I naively saw as) “pure breeds” surrounding me. For they were full black, full white, full asian, full arab, full indian.
I was full nothing.
I’d sit and wonder, scream and cry
Why can I not belong anywhere?
As one half of me would be told “but you don’t look completely white, you have olive skin, exotic looking, you tan easily, you’re so lucky.”
The other half of me would be told “oh but you can never understand fully, because you can pass for white.”
Both sets of words piercing me (that I still get told to this day).
Neither side fully accepting me, although I carry both in my veins.
“Neither side fully accepting me, although I carry both in my veins.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Two sides,
So much of a mixture that I found my identity a struggle to identify.
My name flags convenient random searches and my face, my clothes, my smile, the bag of duty free alcohol in my hands surprises the searcher, every time.
They don’t know whether to speak to me with a smile or as if I don’t understand English.
Endless judgment, incessant questions, I wondered if it would be easier to carry round a pamphlet explaining who I am.
“So much of a mixture that I found my identity a struggle to identify.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Agard started my journey to discovering the beauty of half-caste that day in my GCSE Anthology.
He revealed me to myself and made me proud.
Stopped me hating what I considered the lack of belonging,
made me realise I do belong, we all belong, to the whole earth.
I stopped worrying about the comments “But where are you from from?” “So olive, beautiful tan, so exotic.” “But you pass for white you can’t understand.”
I calmed my confusion of half there, half here. I stopped thinking I needed to “fit” anywhere.
I no longer screamed into my pillow at night. Half-caste; half this, half that.
I found belonging in both.
Full nothing became full everything.
My questions of why make me broken? Why only allow me to be half of each. Ceased.
I learnt that I was looking at it all wrong.
“I found belonging in both
@tozandothersaltywords
Full nothing became full everything.”
I’m half of nothing because actually I am full both. I get the privilege to fully understand being from multiple places and cultures whilst being one person.
How god damn lucky am I.
Half-caste.
Toz And Other Salty Words 