I found myself getting lost again. Not because of a person or people, but because of me. I found myself squaring up to the hardest trait to be angry with giving, helping and loving too much.
I’d given too much to too many, In so doing, I had walked a little too far from myself. I was there burning again, trapped in the prison of my own decisions.
“I was there burning again, trapped in the prison of my own decisions.”
@tozandothersaltywords
I’d forgotten to keep loving me To keep myself safe. And I was at breaking point nostril above water, struggling to find a way back to myself that wouldn’t cause a collosal explosion.
“…nostril above water, struggling to find a way back to myself that wouldn’t cause a collosal explosion.”
@tozandothersaltywords
And as I stared hard at my reflection, got angry, screamed and cried once more, I remembered all the things I need to make me me. And I had not done one of them in months.
I had to sit with myself, breathe deeply into myself ground my body and soul to be able to remind myself. They all survived without me before, No matter how important I was in my story Their’s would all still survive without me.
“No matter how important I was in my story Their’s would all still survive without me.”
@tozandothersaltywords
I walked back to myself in that moment Looking sheepish I smiled apologetically. I embraced myself with all that love And I cried with relief Knowing once more I was safe.
And then she found her way, not because she knew where she was going, but because she slowly allowed herself to fall in love with the person she was. And that was enough.
“She slowly allowed herself to fall in love with the person she was.
And that was enough.”
@tozandothersaltywords
The journey included getting lost, it showed her twists and turns she hadn’t anticipated. Her horse blinds of the one track life she had anticipated were ripped off.
“But then she realised she was her own compass.”
@tozandothersaltywords
She felt lost, unplanned and as if she lacked direction. But then she realised she was her own compass. Where was she going? She had no idea. Was she ready to embrace it with all of her?
The way you adapt, change, even hide who you are. I see you grappling with the million thoughts that go through your head every second. I feel every emotion, every hurt, every love, every heartbreak, all of it. It’s still here.
I’m over 10 years down the line from you and I still feel, remember, know and see all of you.
“I feel every emotion, every hurt, every love, every heartbreak, all of it. It’s still here.”
@tozandothersaltywords
I need you to do something for us. I need you to start loving you. Not every stranger you meet, or person who’s story that makes your heart bleed… …no my child, I need you to love you.
Focus on you. It’s as if you forgot how to be selfish, and due to that everyone you’ve ever met expects unwavering selflessness. You turn up on time for them, but often lack the respect to turn up for yourself. This is not meant to sound cruel but I can tell you that if you continue on that track you may well end up finding out that you can’t make everyone happy the hard way.
“You turn up on time for them, but often lack the respect to turn up for yourself.”
@tozandothersaltywords
The things we will feel, love, lose and witness will be what makes us. The times that we cry, howl and help those we love will build our character. And I do not mean that we should ever hesitate to give our time and add value to people, but please oh please remember that the first person to be giving all that love to always should be to yourself. That’s what I’ve learned. And that’s what I’ve realised is important.
“please oh please remember that the first person to be giving all that love to always should be to yourself.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Once you do love yourself you will no longer feel the need to hide who you are from other people you meet. You will no longer adapt to look a certain way or smile at situations you do not wish to smile through. You will no longer change who you are as a person just to please others when you meet them. You will no longer help the ones you love because of obligation but because you have the capacity to do so. You shall be far smarter than I, you will know that the secret of being able to give starts with giving to yourself first.
“The things we will feel, love, lose and witness will be what makes us. The times that we cry, howl and help those we love will build our character.”
@tozandothersaltywords
I could give you stories and memories that will stay with me forever more, but you need to experience those yourself. My hope of this letter is that if I can impart this one lesson, this one nugget. Maybe, just maybe you will be able to change and help more than I have or ever will.
“The battle scars that got me here I wear with pride and make me the person I am today.”
@tozandothersaltywords
I hope you know this isn’t that I want to change where I am or you getting here. The battle scars that got me here I wear with pride and make me the person I am today. All I wish for, is that along the way and through the ups and downs you make sure you love yourself, just a little bit more.
I love you and I love your love, I will always be your number 1 fan,
This one is very personal. I would love your thoughts and happy to discuss all of the chaos that comes with finding ones identity. – Toz 💛
The first time I heard those words (by Agard) they rang through my ears as if the words could see me, the full me, for the first time. I was mid teens at senior school. I looked around the classroom and saw them just wash over the sea of (what I naively saw as) “pure breeds” surrounding me. For they were full black, full white, full asian, full arab, full indian.
I was full nothing.
I’d sit and wonder, scream and cry Why can I not belong anywhere? As one half of me would be told “but you don’t look completely white, you have olive skin, exotic looking, you tan easily, you’re so lucky.” The other half of me would be told “oh but you can never understand fully, because you can pass for white.” Both sets of words piercing me (that I still get told to this day). Neither side fully accepting me, although I carry both in my veins.
“Neither side fully accepting me, although I carry both in my veins.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Two sides, So much of a mixture that I found my identity a struggle to identify. My name flags convenient random searches and my face, my clothes, my smile, the bag of duty free alcohol in my hands surprises the searcher, every time. They don’t know whether to speak to me with a smile or as if I don’t understand English. Endless judgment, incessant questions, I wondered if it would be easier to carry round a pamphlet explaining who I am.
“So much of a mixture that I found my identity a struggle to identify.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Agard started my journey to discovering the beauty of half-caste that day in my GCSE Anthology. He revealed me to myself and made me proud. Stopped me hating what I considered the lack of belonging, made me realise I do belong, we all belong, to the whole earth.
I stopped worrying about the comments “But where are you from from?” “So olive, beautiful tan, so exotic.” “But you pass for white you can’t understand.”
I calmed my confusion of half there, half here. I stopped thinking I needed to “fit” anywhere. I no longer screamed into my pillow at night. Half-caste; half this, half that.
I found belonging in both. Full nothing became full everything.
My questions of why make me broken? Why only allow me to be half of each. Ceased. I learnt that I was looking at it all wrong.
“I found belonging in both Full nothing became full everything.”
@tozandothersaltywords
I’m half of nothing because actually I am full both. I get the privilege to fully understand being from multiple places and cultures whilst being one person.
It’s messy, unpredictable. With moments of calm that fall between the chaos of joy, tears, anger, adventure and everything in between. Life.
“It’s messy, unpredictable. With moments of calm that fall between the chaos”
@tozandothersaltywords
It’s a marvel, an epic tale of your own with incalculable splatterings of fun, boredom, learning, giving taking, loving, caring, anger, laughter and a sprinkling of magic. It won’t always be bad but it also won’t always be good.
“an epic tale of your own with […] a sprinkling of magic. It won’t always be bad but it also won’t always be good.”
@tozandothersaltywords
If we learn to enjoy all the different parts. Be present with all the chapters that make us who we are. We can start to experience the full beauty of Life.
So whatever chapter you’re in right now Give it 100% of your attention. Be in that moment, Feel it. Do not live for the next chapter Because if you continually live for what’s next You’ll miss the nuances of the story of you. And that, would be a tragedy.
“if you continually live for what’s next You’ll miss the nuances of the story of you. And that, would be a tragedy.”
I am no expert or therapist on trauma, but if I have learned anything from my own trauma, it is this…
It’s funny that we talk about trauma as if it is temporary. Because in reality, it’s forever. It lives with us whether we have addressed it and overcome it, or buried it deep in the depths of our subconscious.
We even talk about our traumatic experiences from our past as if they no longer hurt us or bother us. But if we are honest, we know that that is simply a coping mechanism we have developed to reduce the pain and fear. Because as we all know, out of nowhere it can hit you. As if you’ve flown over the front of your handlebars, smack down, chest first, on the cold hard floor and all the air in your lungs has been vacuumed out.
“Because as we all know, out of nowhere it can hit you. As if you’ve flown over the front of your handlebars, smack down, chest first, on the cold hard floor and all the air in your lungs has been vacuumed out.”
@tozandothersaltywords
As fast as a bullet out of a sniper’s gun, an event or a person’s action, or inaction, can take you out and put you back at square one with absolutely no warning. It can take you straight back to a place you thought you’d escaped and that feeling is completely and utterly debilitating. You wonder how it is happening to you as you followed the self help book, discussed that exact issue in therapy, hell you did multiple guided meditations and wrote enough pages of your journal on it to publish a damn book, but one uncontemplated act takes all the wind out of your sails.
So, rather seeing trauma as something that is temporary, or something that can be ‘overcome’, maybe we should try more to acknowledge it (do not confuse acknowledgment with acceptance here). Acknowledge our trauma. Feel it and sit with it. Grapple with the uncomfortable silence you feel as it crawls under your skin. It is, after all, a part of your lived experience, your story and what makes you who you are.
“Acknowledge our trauma. Feel it and sit with it. Grapple with the uncomfortable silence you feel as it crawls under your skin.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Now, unless you can untap all of you and who you are; the good, bad and ugly (trauma falling in the latter two of these) then you can never truly love all of you, because we all have all three and there is no escaping that. So try it. Try risking the possibility of loving your trauma.
“Try risking the possibility of loving your trauma.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Close your eyes, find your trauma (focus on one if there are multiple), ignite it, face it, watch it, acknowledge it and talk to it. Open yourself up to it fully and tell it everything you wish to say/scream/shout at it. Let your self pace around, let the tears fall, let yourself make noise at it, let yourself be silent with it, let every different thing you feel come out and do not hold back.
Are you done?
Once you are done, there is no more to say, to do, so imagine it as a box of memories and that there is a long line of empty shelves in front of you. Pick up the box and put it on the shelf, wave to it as you exhale knowing that although it won’t leave, you have nothing more to give it as you’ve expended all the energy you will ever need to give it. And although it will silently live inside of you, it is no longer volatile and is merely a reminder of all you are.
“find your trauma […] Open yourself up to it fully […] Let yourself pace around, let the tears fall, let yourself make noise at it, let yourself be silent with it, let every different thing you feel come out and do not hold back.”
@tozandothersaltywords
For each trauma you hold inside of you and face, you can add them to the infinite shelves. In doing so, find comfort in knowing that the incredible person you are has overcome so much more than is on the surface. In doing so you can love each part of you and all the moments you’ve experienced: good, bad and ugly.
It didn’t matter so much anymore, if I told him what I thought, really thought. He was no longer a part of me I was willing to water. I did not think of him unless it was for a practical purpose, or to learn a new lesson about myself. It felt like I was slowly freeing myself from the prison of love I had trapped myself in (for only I had chosen to let myself be stuck in there). As I left that space and walked back towards myself, I gave all of that love back to me. For the first time, in a very long time. I felt safe again.
The change into something new, someone new. Every moment re-navigating and learning from scratch once again. Trying to figure out if it is incredible or you’re blinded once more. Finding traits so much better than before, accepting kindness you’ve never experienced.
“re-navigating and learning from scratch once again.”
@tozandothersaltywords
But you hesitate. You’re scared of letting go with someone new. You compare, contrast, question and over analyse every tiny detail. Have you let go? Have you landed into a space of enjoying the journey?
“But you hesitate. You’re scared of letting go with someone new. You compare, contrast, question and over analyse every tiny detail.”
@tozandothersaltywords
You tell yourself over and over it’s not a destination. Why so wound up? It’s only been a few months. That doesn’t help, last time it was over half a decade and they left.
There it is again, the compare. We all do it. After all, it is our only reference point, everything that ever broke us, follows us, keeps us on our toes.
“There it is again, the compare. We all do it. After all, it is our only reference point, everything that ever broke us”
@tozandothersaltywords
You sit in your head overthinking, overdreaming. Then they do something, it is so small you barely acknowledge it consciously. Somehow you’ve let them in, you’ve let them in and you’re still scared And still learning.
You recount endless discussions trying to make sure you don’t break again. And in that moment you realise you can’t, You can’t compare. Your emotions must be free to be able to even contemplate new change, New things, New people.
“You can’t compare. Your emotions must be free to be able to even contemplate new change”
@tozandothersaltywords
So go feel it, Leave the comparisons, the memories of heartbreak and hard lessons far from the new. Stop using them as an excuse. Stop letting them mute your happiness, For what’s in front of you has never harmed you nor given you reason to hesitate. Go love freely, be honest with yourself, remember you’ve never been in this position before and unless they give you a reason to, Stop the compare.
“Stop using them as an excuse. Stop letting them mute your happiness, For what’s in front of you has never harmed you nor given you reason to hesitate.”
Thanks to Danielle Wills for inspiring this entire trilogy, sometimes people have no idea how much their words affect, inspire and heal others and I hope mine can give at least one person as much help as Danielle’s gave to me.
And once you’ve landed in that love for yourself, know this. They will feel it. They will want to be part of it. And they will try everything in their power to prove to you that they should bask in your new found happiness with you.
“And they will try everything in their power to prove to you that they should bask in your new found happiness with you.”
@tozandothersaltywords
By then though, you’ve already gone through the rollercoaster, Got off and Walked onto the next ride. Don’t get me wrong, when they show up, it’ll hurt. You’ll wonder why they couldn’t have said all of these things, Been all of these things, loved you like that, When you were together. But you smile to yourself knowing that when you walked away, you knew that was probably going to have to be forever.
“By then though, you’ve already gone through the rollercoaster, got off and walked onto the next ride.”
@tozandothersaltywords
You’ll think about how far you have come. Yes, tears will fall, as your memory triggers to every iota of pain you had to overcome and yes it’ll feel shit, the flood gates will open, you will howl on your floor half screaming in anger at them and the other at you for ever letting someone treat you like that.
“Yes, tears will fall, as your memory triggers to every iota of pain you had to overcome”
@tozandothersaltywords
The empowering part will be that through all those tears you do not want them back, but are ready to finally say the last goodbye. You will sit up and realise they are the final tears. The final hurt, The last time the salt water will cascade down your cheeks because of them. And as you let the final drops fall, you feel lighter. You inhale and feel the breath enter your lungs fully, as if for the first time.
You’re now fully ready, for what’s next.
“You will sit up and realise they are the final tears. The final hurt, The last time the salt water will cascade down your cheeks because of them.”
Letting go isn’t necessarily what you need to do. Letting yourself land, puts you in a space where eventually you realise one day that you have let go.
Just saying let go makes it feel like an instant occurrence…as if you can just be done with what’s causing you pain. But you can’t. It is not instant and it is not going to happen when you want it to or think you need it to. I’m sorry to say you will have to sit with it.
“It is not instant and it is not going to happen when you want it to or think you need it to.”
@tozandothersaltywords
You will have to land in the uncomfortable matrix you’ve ended up in. It will be raw and uneasy and sometimes the landing will be bumpy as hell, you might even crash land, but…once you have landed, you feel it.
“You will have to land in the uncomfortable matrix you’ve ended up in.”
@tozandothersaltywords
You feel the ground beneath your feet, the soil, the mud, the grass, the tarmac, whatever you’ve imagined landing on. And you stand up. Just like that you have landed…and once you’ve landed in that moment of emotions, you have no other option but to begin following your feet all over again.
“once you’ve landed in that moment of emotions, you have no other option but to begin following your feet all over again.”
@tozandothersaltywords
Re-trusting your decisions, your path, re-finding your worth and self love. It won’t all be smiles and joy, but my gosh it will heal you, it will teach you true love for yourself. And once you have that love for yourself, no one will be able to break that ever again.
“It won’t all be smiles and joy, but my gosh it will heal you, it will teach you true love for yourself.”
Toz And Other Salty Words 