Toz And Other Salty Words

Think

When you’re too busy.
When you’re rushing.
When you have filled your cup to the brim and you’re overflowing so hard you are barely present,
Barely aware of your surroundings,
Barely acknowledging who you’re with,
Barely living in the moment as you are simultaneously thinking about the next moment,
And you are so full of the next thing you can’t even see the time in which you’re going to stop and reflect.

“Barely living in the moment…
and…
you can’t even see the time in which you are going to stop and reflect.”
@tozandothersaltywords

Sit with yourself.
Be alone.
In your own space.
With no one else, just you.

It’s suffocating at first because your emotions are out of check.
Your emotions are incapable of being stable, rational or coherant.
And you snap.
At those you love most and you make excuses and you apologise and you get caught up on this silly thing you snapped at when in reality your snapping is due to everything else in your life.
But you’re stressed and tired and exhausted and you don’t know how to say no. You don’t know how to get out of the absolute insanity you have caused yourself. You can barely even see it in this moment.
And you are now sat there in tears, staring at those you love most and you’ve lost it with them due to all the pressure, and not due to the thing you’ve been sat there shouting about.

“But you’re stressed and tired
and exhausted and you don’t
know how to say no.
You don’t know how to get out of
the absolute insanity you have
caused yourself.
You can barely even see it in this moment.”
@tozandothersaltywords

But then you have a brief moment. Finally, you are alone, say you’re travelling for work, on your morning commute, out for a run or even just sitting on the toilet. And you realise you really need to start letting yourself breathe more. Actually give YOU time, space, calm.

You need to start to Think.
You need to tip out the unnecessary parts of your cup. And start thinking with clarity when surrounded by the chaos.
But how will you? Where do you even begin? You know yourself and you know you love all the things that fill your cup.
You can even count a good few things you’ve said no to.

“You need to start to Think.
You need to tip out the
unnecessary parts of your cup.”
@tozandothersaltywords

So what do you do?
How do you stop yourself from hurting those you love and still be all of you?
You learn my love.
You learn to take a breath in that moment of madness at something so mundane.
You learn to take that breath and try to think about your emotion in the moment you feel it and honestly ask yourself why?
Why am I feeling like this?
Why do I want to react this way?
Is it really because of this silly thing in front of me, or is it actually the 500,000,000 other things I’ve decided to take on and because of one tiny thing with someone I love I have taken it out on them, instead of the things I should be taking it out on.

“How do you escape hurting those you love and still be all of you.”
@tozandothersaltywords

So all I can say is, you don’t have to change your drive, your ambition, your endless list of life goals and being there for your friends. But remember to think when you feel ready to explode.
When your cup is flowing over.

Think about breathing deep into your belly and remember the little version of you who still lives there reminding you to think of those you love who surround you. To remember that they are the ones who support you and are trying to understand what you are going through. Because trust me. They are the ones who will be there for you every time, they are the ones that love you always and they are far more important than any stress spilling out of your cup. Any issues in your working life, friendships, relationship or otherwise and should be the ones you look after, look to share with, seek opinions from when your cup is overfilled and those who you respect most.

So the next time you are ready to burst, just remember to think, my love.

@tozandothersaltywords

Prison of Love #2

I found myself getting lost again.
Not because of a person or people, but because of me.
I found myself squaring up to the hardest trait to be angry with
giving, helping and loving too much.

I’d given too much to too many,
In so doing,
I had walked a little too far from myself.
I was there burning again,
trapped in the prison of my own decisions.

“I was there burning again,
trapped in the prison of my own decisions.”
@tozandothersaltywords

I’d forgotten to keep loving me
To keep myself safe.
And I was at breaking point
nostril above water, struggling to find a way back to myself that wouldn’t cause a collosal explosion.

“…nostril above water, struggling to find a way back to myself that wouldn’t cause a collosal explosion.”
@tozandothersaltywords

And as I stared hard at my reflection,
got angry, screamed and cried once more,
I remembered all the things I need to make me me.
And I had not done one of them in months.

I had to sit with myself, breathe deeply into myself
ground my body and soul to be able to remind myself.
They all survived without me before,
No matter how important I was in my story
Their’s would all still survive without me.

“No matter how important I was in my story
Their’s would all still survive without me.”
@tozandothersaltywords

I walked back to myself in that moment
Looking sheepish I smiled apologetically.
I embraced myself with all that love
And I cried with relief
Knowing once more
I was safe.

@tozandothersaltywords

Enough

And then she found her way,
not because she knew where she was going,
but because she slowly allowed herself to fall in love with the person she was.
And that was enough.

“She slowly allowed herself to fall in love with the person she was.
And that was enough.”
@tozandothersaltywords

The journey included getting lost,
it showed her twists and turns she hadn’t anticipated. Her horse blinds of the one track life she had anticipated were ripped off.

“But then she realised she was her own compass.”
@tozandothersaltywords

She felt lost, unplanned and as if she lacked direction. But then she realised she was her own compass.
Where was she going? She had no idea.
Was she ready to embrace it with all of her?

Absolutely.

@tozandothersaltywords

A Letter to my Younger Self

Dearest younger self,

I see you.

The way you adapt, change, even hide who you are. I see you grappling with the million thoughts that go through your head every second. I feel every emotion, every hurt, every love, every heartbreak, all of it. It’s still here.

I’m over 10 years down the line from you and I still feel, remember, know and see all of you.

“I feel every emotion, every hurt, every love, every heartbreak, all of it. It’s still here.”
@tozandothersaltywords

I need you to do something for us. I need you to start loving you.
Not every stranger you meet, or person who’s story that makes your heart bleed…
…no my child, I need you to love you.

Focus on you. It’s as if you forgot how to be selfish, and due to that everyone you’ve ever met expects unwavering selflessness. You turn up on time for them, but often lack the respect to turn up for yourself. This is not meant to sound cruel but I can tell you that if you continue on that track you may well end up finding out that you can’t make everyone happy the hard way.

“You turn up on time for them, but often lack the respect to turn up for yourself.”
@tozandothersaltywords

The things we will feel, love, lose and witness will be what makes us. The times that we cry, howl and help those we love will build our character. And I do not mean that we should ever hesitate to give our time and add value to people, but please oh please remember that the first person to be giving all that love to always should be to yourself. That’s what I’ve learned. And that’s what I’ve realised is important.

“please oh please remember that the first person to be giving all that love to always should be to yourself.”
@tozandothersaltywords

Once you do love yourself you will no longer feel the need to hide who you are from other people you meet. You will no longer adapt to look a certain way or smile at situations you do not wish to smile through. You will no longer change who you are as a person just to please others when you meet them. You will no longer help the ones you love because of obligation but because you have the capacity to do so. You shall be far smarter than I, you will know that the secret of being able to give starts with giving to yourself first.

“The things we will feel, love, lose and witness will be what makes us. The times that we cry, howl and help those we love will build our character.”
@tozandothersaltywords

I could give you stories and memories that will stay with me forever more, but you need to experience those yourself. My hope of this letter is that if I can impart this one lesson, this one nugget. Maybe, just maybe you will be able to change and help more than I have or ever will.

“The battle scars that got me here I wear with pride and make me the person I am today.”
@tozandothersaltywords

I hope you know this isn’t that I want to change where I am or you getting here. The battle scars that got me here I wear with pride and make me the person I am today. All I wish for, is that along the way and through the ups and downs you make sure you love yourself, just a little bit more.

I love you and I love your love, I will always be your number 1 fan,

Your older self

@tozandothersaltywords

Half-Caste

“Excuse me
standing on one leg
I’m half-caste”
John Agard

This one is very personal. I would love your thoughts and happy to discuss all of the chaos that comes with finding ones identity. – Toz 💛

The first time I heard those words (by Agard) they rang through my ears as if the words could see me, the full me, for the first time. I was mid teens at senior school. I looked around the classroom and saw them just wash over the sea of (what I naively saw as) “pure breeds” surrounding me. For they were full black, full white, full asian, full arab, full indian.

I was full nothing.

I’d sit and wonder, scream and cry
Why can I not belong anywhere?
As one half of me would be told “but you don’t look completely white, you have olive skin, exotic looking, you tan easily, you’re so lucky.”
The other half of me would be told “oh but you can never understand fully, because you can pass for white.”
Both sets of words piercing me (that I still get told to this day).
Neither side fully accepting me, although I carry both in my veins.

“Neither side fully accepting me, although I carry both in my veins.”
@tozandothersaltywords

Two sides,
So much of a mixture that I found my identity a struggle to identify.
My name flags convenient random searches and my face, my clothes, my smile, the bag of duty free alcohol in my hands surprises the searcher, every time.
They don’t know whether to speak to me with a smile or as if I don’t understand English.
Endless judgment, incessant questions, I wondered if it would be easier to carry round a pamphlet explaining who I am.

“So much of a mixture that I found my identity a struggle to identify.”
@tozandothersaltywords

Agard started my journey to discovering the beauty of half-caste that day in my GCSE Anthology.
He revealed me to myself and made me proud.
Stopped me hating what I considered the lack of belonging,
made me realise I do belong, we all belong, to the whole earth.

I stopped worrying about the comments “But where are you from from?” “So olive, beautiful tan, so exotic.” “But you pass for white you can’t understand.”

I calmed my confusion of half there, half here. I stopped thinking I needed to “fit” anywhere.
I no longer screamed into my pillow at night. Half-caste; half this, half that.

I found belonging in both.
Full nothing became full everything.

My questions of why make me broken? Why only allow me to be half of each. Ceased.
I learnt that I was looking at it all wrong.

“I found belonging in both
Full nothing became full everything.”
@tozandothersaltywords

I’m half of nothing because actually I am full both. I get the privilege to fully understand being from multiple places and cultures whilst being one person.

How god damn lucky am I.
Half-caste.

@tozandothersaltywords

Sometimes

Sometimes everything has to fall apart so that something great can happen.

“Sometimes everything has to fall apart so that something great can happen.”
@tozandothersaltywords

Tread softly and don’t be scared, remember that your dreams are not the only dreams in the world.
Be respectful but don’t be a pushover.
Aim high because your failures will be your best lessons.
Rome wasn’t built in a day is not a random old saying it is a fact, nothing great is built in a day.
Life is short so always remember to have fun along the way.
If you’re not enjoying it, either accept you can’t enjoy every part of the process to get to where you want or change your end goal.
Be open to new opportunities but remember when to say no.
But above all things, love who you are every morning, embrace that incredible human and be all of you, every emotion, every mood, every feeling.

“your dreams are not the only dreams in the world […]
your failures will be your best lessons[…]
nothing great is built in a day[…]
remember when to say no[…]
love who you are every morning”
@tozandothersaltywords

@tozandothersaltywords

An epic tale

It’s messy,
unpredictable.
With moments of calm
that fall between
the chaos of joy,
tears,
anger,
adventure and
everything in between.
Life.

“It’s messy,
unpredictable.
With moments of calm
that fall between
the chaos”
@tozandothersaltywords

It’s a marvel, an epic tale of your own
with incalculable splatterings of
fun, boredom, learning, giving
taking, loving, caring, anger, laughter and
a sprinkling of magic.
It won’t always be bad
but it also won’t always be good.

“an epic tale of your own
with […] a sprinkling of magic.
It won’t always be bad
but it also won’t always be good.”
@tozandothersaltywords

If we learn to enjoy all the different parts.
Be present with all the chapters that make us who we are.
We can start to experience the full beauty
of Life.

So whatever chapter you’re in right now
Give it 100% of your attention.
Be in that moment,
Feel it.
Do not live for the next chapter
Because if you continually live for what’s next
You’ll miss the nuances of
the story of you.
And that,
would be a tragedy.

“if you continually live for what’s next
You’ll miss the nuances of
the story of you.
And that,
would be a tragedy.”
@tozandothersaltywords

@tozandothersaltywords

Good, bad and ugly

I am no expert or therapist on trauma, but if I have learned anything from my own trauma, it is this…

It’s funny that we talk about trauma as if it is temporary. Because in reality, it’s forever. It lives with us whether we have addressed it and overcome it, or buried it deep in the depths of our subconscious.

We even talk about our traumatic experiences from our past as if they no longer hurt us or bother us. But if we are honest, we know that that is simply a coping mechanism we have developed to reduce the pain and fear. Because as we all know, out of nowhere it can hit you. As if you’ve flown over the front of your handlebars, smack down, chest first, on the cold hard floor and all the air in your lungs has been vacuumed out.

“Because as we all know, out of nowhere it can hit you. As if you’ve flown over the front of your handlebars, smack down, chest first, on the cold hard floor and all the air in your lungs has been vacuumed out.”
@tozandothersaltywords

As fast as a bullet out of a sniper’s gun, an event or a person’s action, or inaction, can take you out and put you back at square one with absolutely no warning. It can take you straight back to a place you thought you’d escaped and that feeling is completely and utterly debilitating. You wonder how it is happening to you as you followed the self help book, discussed that exact issue in therapy, hell you did multiple guided meditations and wrote enough pages of your journal on it to publish a damn book, but one uncontemplated act takes all the wind out of your sails.

So, rather seeing trauma as something that is temporary, or something that can be ‘overcome’, maybe we should try more to acknowledge it (do not confuse acknowledgment with acceptance here). Acknowledge our trauma. Feel it and sit with it. Grapple with the uncomfortable silence you feel as it crawls under your skin. It is, after all, a part of your lived experience, your story and what makes you who you are.

“Acknowledge our trauma. Feel it and sit with it. Grapple with the uncomfortable silence you feel as it crawls under your skin.”
@tozandothersaltywords

Now, unless you can untap all of you and who you are; the good, bad and ugly (trauma falling in the latter two of these) then you can never truly love all of you, because we all have all three and there is no escaping that. So try it. Try risking the possibility of loving your trauma.

“Try risking the possibility of loving your trauma.”
@tozandothersaltywords

Close your eyes, find your trauma (focus on one if there are multiple), ignite it, face it, watch it, acknowledge it and talk to it. Open yourself up to it fully and tell it everything you wish to say/scream/shout at it. Let your self pace around, let the tears fall, let yourself make noise at it, let yourself be silent with it, let every different thing you feel come out and do not hold back.

Are you done?

Once you are done, there is no more to say, to do, so imagine it as a box of memories and that there is a long line of empty shelves in front of you. Pick up the box and put it on the shelf, wave to it as you exhale knowing that although it won’t leave, you have nothing more to give it as you’ve expended all the energy you will ever need to give it. And although it will silently live inside of you, it is no longer volatile and is merely a reminder of all you are.

“find your trauma […] Open yourself up to it fully […] Let yourself pace around, let the tears fall, let yourself make noise at it, let yourself be silent with it, let every different thing you feel come out and do not hold back.”
@tozandothersaltywords

For each trauma you hold inside of you and face, you can add them to the infinite shelves. In doing so, find comfort in knowing that the incredible person you are has overcome so much more than is on the surface. In doing so you can love each part of you and all the moments you’ve experienced: good, bad and ugly.

@tozandothersaltywords

Prison of love

It didn’t matter so much anymore, if I told him what I thought, really thought. He was no longer a part of me I was willing to water. I did not think of him unless it was for a practical purpose, or to learn a new lesson about myself. It felt like I was slowly freeing myself from the prison of love I had trapped myself in (for only I had chosen to let myself be stuck in there). As I left that space and walked back towards myself, I gave all of that love back to me. For the first time, in a very long time. I felt safe again.

@tozandothersaltywords

The Compare

The change into something new, someone new.
Every moment re-navigating and learning from scratch once again.
Trying to figure out if it is incredible or you’re blinded once more.
Finding traits so much better than before, accepting kindness you’ve never experienced.

“re-navigating and learning from scratch once again.”
@tozandothersaltywords

But you hesitate.
You’re scared of letting go with someone new.
You compare, contrast, question and over analyse every tiny detail.
Have you let go?
Have you landed into a space of enjoying the journey?

“But you hesitate.
You’re scared of letting go with someone new.
You compare, contrast, question and over analyse every tiny detail.”
@tozandothersaltywords

You tell yourself over and over it’s not a destination.
Why so wound up? It’s only been a few months.
That doesn’t help, last time it was over half a decade and they left.

There it is again, the compare.
We all do it.
After all, it is our only reference point, everything that ever broke us, follows us, keeps us on our toes.

“There it is again, the compare.
We all do it.
After all, it is our only reference point, everything that ever broke us”
@tozandothersaltywords

You sit in your head overthinking, overdreaming.
Then they do something, it is so small you barely acknowledge it consciously.
Somehow you’ve let them in, you’ve let them in and you’re still scared
And still learning.

You recount endless discussions trying to make sure you don’t break again.
And in that moment you realise you can’t,
You can’t compare.
Your emotions must be free to be able to even contemplate new change,
New things,
New people.

“You can’t compare.
Your emotions must be free to be able to even contemplate new change”
@tozandothersaltywords

So go feel it,
Leave the comparisons, the memories of heartbreak and hard lessons far from the new.
Stop using them as an excuse.
Stop letting them mute your happiness,
For what’s in front of you has never harmed you nor given you reason to hesitate.
Go love freely, be honest with yourself, remember you’ve never been in this position before and unless they give you a reason to,
Stop the compare.

“Stop using them as an excuse.
Stop letting them mute your happiness,
For what’s in front of you has never harmed you nor given you reason to hesitate.”
@tozandothersaltywords